when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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