I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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