woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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