Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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