Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
