he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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