I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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