I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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