ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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