booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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