Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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