the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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