How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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