there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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