fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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