Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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