Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
