The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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