I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
