I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
