omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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