A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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