im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
