my phone needs a breathalizer
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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