dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is it because I queefed?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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