You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
