if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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