He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
