It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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