This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
