Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
