Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize