I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize
