rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
