I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize