then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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