There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
