You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
