you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We are two peas in an std pod
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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