It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
