The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
