are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize