hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
