OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
