I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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