I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
