i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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