i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
