i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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