This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
