Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm both gender and math confused
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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