I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
