My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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