i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
