I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
