Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
