We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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