Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
false alarm. still invincible.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
