im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
