haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
