Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
